A Public Service Announcement to Umpires

Dear Umps,

Please do not support this uprising any longer. The Trash Sox are not a lovable group of scrappy ball players. Affording them extra outs, ridiculously bad calls, and other gifts of poor judgment give hope to other scoundrels, cheats, and bloodthirsty villains. Look at this sloppy bastard who gets to be called a hero. His wife is probably waiting for him to call, or hoping that he can pick up the kids, but instead he's out drinking and hugging slutty bartenders who have bad looking bellybutton rings and communicable diseases. This is not the team that you want winning the World Series. For the sake of Chicago and rebuilding costs, this victory will cause looting, raping, and pillaging that's a lot worst than the torching Mrs. O'Leary's cow caused back in the great fire of 1871.

KONERKO, WHERE'S YOUR WIFE?

Allowing that pitch to Jermaine Dye be called a hit batsmen is like allowing Satan a second chance at redemption. Jermaine Dye is a bad person. He cheats on his wife (with a girl I know, no less). He also is a slow swinging, sloth-footed, over the hill outfielder who now looks as if he should be signing a contract for 8 million a season and playing another 5 years. I will spare you all the embarrassment of what's to come. JERMAINE (2 months from now) I want 4 years, 32 million, a private jet to fly my girls from town to town. I also want a endorsement deal with Meth Labs Made Easy and Southland RV rentals to endear myself to White Sox fans everywhere. In exchange, I will give you four years of batting .245, 30 more HRs total, and over 300 games lost due to injuries caused from me being out of shape and fat. I am worth all of this because my performance this season trumped the last 6 where I did absolutely nothing as was as good as Jacque Jones versus lefties.

LOOK AT HOW BAD HIS GAME IS...FAG.

Also, please do not let AJ Persucksy fake you out with Bush league baseball. No matter how hard he runs and flops down to first base, it still doesn't make it right. AJ was a bad ambassador for baseball when he was a Twin, and we let it fly because the Chosen One wasn't ready yet. But, it doesn't make it right for you to clearly signal strike three and then, just because you are intimidated by Ozzie Guillen's "muffstache" (Doesn't it look like a porn stars basement?) that you don't have the stones to get it right. Please do not be intimidated by father-son ump assaulting meth addicts, even though Chicago judges don't do anything other than slap them on the wrists and give them clean needles.

So next time something slimy happens, like hit batsmen, caught third strikes, or even Ozzie Guillen trying to steal more of the spotlight from his players because he was never good enough to get it done himself, start using your head. You have a bunch of good people wearing Astros jerseys. Players who won't sell out and do ATV ads, won't spend their money on Al and Alma's South boat cruises on Lake Michigan, guys who actually know how to read and write (4 White Sox's went to College-- zero have degrees), use your head. Besides, do you want AJ Persucksy to have a real line when he's sucking down jello shots with pigs?

ME NEITHER.

92% CHANCE SHE'S GOT CRABS.

IS THAT LOW FAT WHIPPED CREAM AJ?