A Public Service Announcement to Umpires

Dear Umps,

Please do not support this uprising any longer. The Trash Sox are not a lovable group of scrappy ball players. Affording them extra outs, ridiculously bad calls, and other gifts of poor judgment give hope to other scoundrels, cheats, and bloodthirsty villains. Look at this sloppy bastard who gets to be called a hero. His wife is probably waiting for him to call, or hoping that he can pick up the kids, but instead he's out drinking and hugging slutty bartenders who have bad looking bellybutton rings and communicable diseases. This is not the team that you want winning the World Series. For the sake of Chicago and rebuilding costs, this victory will cause looting, raping, and pillaging that's a lot worst than the torching Mrs. O'Leary's cow caused back in the great fire of 1871.

KONERKO, WHERE'S YOUR WIFE?

Allowing that pitch to Jermaine Dye be called a hit batsmen is like allowing Satan a second chance at redemption. Jermaine Dye is a bad person. He cheats on his wife (with a girl I know, no less). He also is a slow swinging, sloth-footed, over the hill outfielder who now looks as if he should be signing a contract for 8 million a season and playing another 5 years. I will spare you all the embarrassment of what's to come. JERMAINE (2 months from now) I want 4 years, 32 million, a private jet to fly my girls from town to town. I also want a endorsement deal with Meth Labs Made Easy and Southland RV rentals to endear myself to White Sox fans everywhere. In exchange, I will give you four years of batting .245, 30 more HRs total, and over 300 games lost due to injuries caused from me being out of shape and fat. I am worth all of this because my performance this season trumped the last 6 where I did absolutely nothing as was as good as Jacque Jones versus lefties.

LOOK AT HOW BAD HIS GAME IS...FAG.

Also, please do not let AJ Persucksy fake you out with Bush league baseball. No matter how hard he runs and flops down to first base, it still doesn't make it right. AJ was a bad ambassador for baseball when he was a Twin, and we let it fly because the Chosen One wasn't ready yet. But, it doesn't make it right for you to clearly signal strike three and then, just because you are intimidated by Ozzie Guillen's "muffstache" (Doesn't it look like a porn stars basement?) that you don't have the stones to get it right. Please do not be intimidated by father-son ump assaulting meth addicts, even though Chicago judges don't do anything other than slap them on the wrists and give them clean needles.

So next time something slimy happens, like hit batsmen, caught third strikes, or even Ozzie Guillen trying to steal more of the spotlight from his players because he was never good enough to get it done himself, start using your head. You have a bunch of good people wearing Astros jerseys. Players who won't sell out and do ATV ads, won't spend their money on Al and Alma's South boat cruises on Lake Michigan, guys who actually know how to read and write (4 White Sox's went to College-- zero have degrees), use your head. Besides, do you want AJ Persucksy to have a real line when he's sucking down jello shots with pigs?

ME NEITHER.

92% CHANCE SHE'S GOT CRABS.

IS THAT LOW FAT WHIPPED CREAM AJ?

Wrap-Up

You know there is something wrong with the world when despite the baseball playoffs, conference championship races, heisman conquests, and the NFL, we only have ND/USC to talk about. But, maybe, it was just that great. The perfect place, the purest rivalry and a field cluttered with more than a handful of low-round draft picks caused Joe Pa's last stand and an Axe to take the high road.
Whether you saw the game amongst the gold cluttered fans under the watchful eye of Touchdown Jesus or saw the close in a below-average dinkytown bar, it was something you'll remember forever. As a lifelong Notre Dame fan that also happens to be St. Paul's most famous Notre Dame reject, I almost felt at the crossroads throughout the whole game. I mean here I am spending twice as much as I do in Madison on beer, trying to savor a great unexpected win that skyrocketed the Badgers' Big Ten chances into atmospheric levels, watching Charlie Weis give almost the greatest halftime recruiting video of all time and wondering how ND gets away with it? I complained about the Coach K AMEX commercials during March Madness, but this was much worse. Here was CW making ND out to be bedlam in front of what could've been ND's largest NBC viewing audience since 11/13/1993 (when Lou Holtz and Co. put an end to Charlie Ward's 16 game streak). And no wonder a solid group of prospects have passed on So Cal in favor of So Bend (20, to date). But, in the end, it was heartbreaking. All burdens aside, it was one that I just wanted to see ND win. I new a win would put them right back to where they were on 11/13/1993. Granted, CW might have them back there by next September when Brady begins the next great ND Heisman chase, but it would've been fun to seem them get right back there on the grandest stage: in front of the USC Trojans and Fredo himself (Thanks, Bill Simmons). Sure, Reggie Bush could have ran a marathon inside the hashes at Notre Dame Stadium Saturday and should probably thank ND for handing him the Heisman (much like it did for Leinart). But the setting was reserved for Leinart. Whom I'm not going out on a limb by calling him the NCAA's playboy, but also one of the greatest performers our generation will witness. Throughout our childhood, stars were riddled with pasts resembling rap sheets (Randy Moss, Peter Warrick, Warren Sapp, too name a few) and here was this kid who passed up the comfort of an NFL contract defining himself while rolling into the endzone. He might have mixed it up w/ Simpson and Lachey, but he didn't fail a drug test, kick someone in the head, or get about $10 grand in free stuff while headlining his competition. Sure, Notre Dame has a right to be disappointed for falling inches and a Reggie Bush push short. But, it proved there back to being respectable. No more Willingham's, Davie's, or option quarterbacks running a west coast system, just Charlie and his bag of tricks with the hearts of Irish faithful and perhaps God himself in the wings.

A Black Heart

Games like Saturday make you want to not like sports. Sitting amongst 80,000 of your closest friends (or more like 75,000 friends and 5,000 sworn enemies) and then for 59 minutes and 53 seconds believing that the near impossible, or at least the mostly improbable was actually going to happen makes you realize why we watch sports, why we compete, and why we scream for people we don't know but who wear our favorite uniforms or go to our favorite schools. It makes look up at a full moon after four and a half hours of pure sports amazement and realize there is no where else in the entire world that you'd like to be at that moment.

And then that happens.

A 4th and 9. A fumble. A crowd of students running on the field with the clock running out and the scoreboard nearly confirming what you had hoped would happen but were always quietly bracing yourself for the disappointment of it not.

But never did you see it playing out like that.

I don't have any friends left on the team, nor do I have any real affiliation other than standard, non-contributing alumni status. But I can't think of a worse feeling than the minutes after the loss. A collective gasp, a vacuum of air leaving South Bend. Watching the enemy run all over your field and celebrate the miraculous theft of a football game, after getting dominated in nearly every facet of the competition; it makes you want to hate sports. Or remember that the feelings that you were feeling at that very moment, the anger, the heartbreak, the disbelief, that those feelings, and the very opposite of them are why athletics are what's great about our culture.

I, along with CW, don't believe in moral victories. But if there is a moral to any of this, it's just the reconfirmation that sport and athletics has the ability to affect the human condition more than nearly any other event happening today. So whether it's a pushed in, should've been spotted two yards back QB sneak, or a 2 out, 3 run HR by a visitor that's down to it's last out, the emotions of athletics are as American as anything else red, white, and blue.

But it doesn't make it suck any less.

ND-USC TV Intro...

My intro for the ND-USC game on October 15, 2005:

When summer is finally forgotten, as daylight dwindles each day, look around the corner...just beyond Main Street. Chances are there's game in a backyard; Children in the midst of imagining, some with a notion, innocent but powerful. You eagerly followed your team, listening to that distant voice. You couldn't sleep after a victory and couldn't wait for a day when it might be your time. Then that day arrived, that moment, that affirmation, when you were told you were special. And so you worked and you sacrificed, pointing toward that October day in the Fall when all of America would be watching you, watching your team....the kind of day dreamed of in a back yard just around the corner from Main Street.

Here are the questions confronting #1 USC. Are these to be the Trojans that at last run the full gauntlet of grueling competition and withering expectations? Is Matt Leinart to be USC's repeat Heisman Trophy winner? Will Pete Carroll and the Men of Troy yet again be crowned national champions? Will the 27 game winning streak simply jump to 28? But between these hopes and their fulfillment there is the myth: the stadium in South Bend...and history's team, Notre Dame.

Eleven national titles. Seven Heisman Trophy winners. No other school has won as many championships. No other school has had as many All-Americans. And in their home, you also play against their past: galloping shadows from 1924, echoes of legendary coaches. In South Bend, they've become accustomed to teams chasing championships, and now, after a 12 year hiatus at the hands of Davie, Willingham, and Malloy, there comes a re-birth: a new cadre - Charlie - joining Mary atop the dome - bringing with him 4 superbowl rings, offensive wizardry, and a 40+ inch waist line...inspired by a tradition without equal.

So here we are - a game in a perfect place...when it actually matters. A collision for history. One school hoping to stay atop college football's summit. And another hoping to return to glory. Notre Dame and USC. The coming of a day dreamed of...in backyards...just around the corner from Main Street.

Weekend Warriors

A pleasure to be here gentlemen and sports fans. Wanted to share some insight from the weekend that was, and the weekend to come. Lost in shuffle was some good golf in San Fran. John Daly certainly made a push for a spot on the Ryder Cup team but also might have given us a glimpse into the crystal ball when he started getting the yips on the back 9 at Harding Park. I haven't seen pulls like that since a quota pts tournament off Cretin and Marshall. Even with his silly goatee, young Eldrick T. was looking quite legit, battling a cold flat stick himself and still burying Serg and Manteets, and JD the Hooters rep. Best sign of the tourney? Tiger being upset that Daly missed the three footer to lose. That's a sign that he's comfortable with his game and ready for a big '06 season.
the big ten
Do you deserve capital letters when the conference plays like this? Ohio State? Michigan? Iowa Purdue? Get serious. Penn State is waiting to crack and Minnesota and Wisconsin already showed us the fatal flaws in their cinderella hopes. If you think Penn State is going to run through the rest of these teams with a jugs machine as their QB, I wouldn't hold your breath. (Unless you're Paul Walker from Into the Blue, which sets a new record for movie scene where guy can hold his breath so long that it's ridiculous. Play along in the movie. Or don't, because Broadway's the only one willing to do mouth to mouth.)
Confessions of a compulsive gambler
I don't think the weekend could've gone any worse. If I were a betting man, these were the games I would've liked. Nebraska over Texas Tech, Oklahoma to keep it close, UCLA to fold per usual, ASU to rattle Oregon's cages, Wisco to stomp on those little uppity prepsters in Evanston, and The Ohio State University to thump JoPa and his nittany lions.
Whoops.
Sidenote: If you're JoPa, what proves you are more out of touch? 1) Wearing that stupid towel around your neck. I thought he got in a car accident on the way to the game in his 1987 Lincoln Town Car and had a sore neck. 2) Doing that stupid dance at the pep rally and proving that you should be at the nursing home in the Notebook reading to some broad who won't remember the story anyway or 3) Telling all the recruits scheduled for visits to not come that weekend, because he wouldn't be able to show them enough attention. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That was the best weekend of football Penn State had in the last ten years. And you don't want kids there because you can't take them to all you can eat at Old Country buffet? Get a clue? What's next, you're going to invite them to the early mass on Sunday and to watch Carson reruns on Friday night? JoPa, you and John Gagliardi should get together and drink warm tea on a swing for the next couple autumns, your best days are behind you. And Tressel, maybe you should lose the 1950s school teacher look and just keep playing kids who admit to taking $500 bucks from boosters. A snake is a snake is a snake, even if he looks like a nerd.
The Upcoming Weekend
I hope the Wisco secondary takes a look at film this week and realizes the truth: They f-ing sucked. Nothing burns my buns worse than watching poor defensive play, and the game plan put together by Barry, Brett, and possibly Bucky couldn't have possibly been that bad. The website is already started for www.play37.com. That being said, what makes a secondary look better than Bryan Cupito with 2 sprained shoulders? Cupito has a better chance of blowing Maroney than the Badger secondary. And I got a feeling he's already giving Lawrence a little something after his crappy arm is forcing nine men in the box.
Is it me or is everyone a little too eager to jump onto the ND bandwagon? Is it really an upset if 58% of America is picking ND over USC? Maybe what bothers me is that everyone is saying it's going to happen, but it could be that everyone wants to be bold, even if they won't be right. The real sign of what people believe will be the spread's movement, which opened this morning at 11.5 and has yet to move....
Thought of the Day: Did Matt Leinart sleep with Jessica Simpson? If not, could he? If so, was that a potential sticking point for Nick Lachey and force him into the eyes of a 19 year old Ohio State student while in town filming Gameday? I'll get the answers this Saturday when Lachey is in town for Leinart's football game vs. the Irish.

Sunday Fireside-Jotting from the Weekend that was...

-Astros/Braves: Does it hold a chance when comparing it to Twins/Braves 91' World Series? In my humble opinion, it does not but certainly deserve some notoriety. Beyond Greatness: Roger Clemens and his 40+ year old self on a few days rest, calming the storm long enough for twentysomething Chris Burke to catapult himself into everyday baseball conversations. Lacking Substance: Chipper Jones going 3-17 in the series, and Jeff Francona going 1-7 BB in Game 4. Comments: Chipper, if you want to make this streak of division titles more than a solid September stat line, start making your bank in October and allowing for the Braves to mean something for once in a Fall Classic. Like they say, their weak in the East. My heart goes out to John Smoltz, great teary-eyed ESPN interview this evening.
-Badgers/Gophers, Wolverines/Nittany Lions: The Great Midwestern Cluster F*!k that has become the Big Ten race. Gutless Michigan doing what it does best, underacheiving despite superior talent and the Nittany Lions winning despite having a coach that could die during a post-game celebration. While everyone preached OSU, Iowa and Michigan, the Badgers and Gophers are chasing Penn State with BCS dreams while the Hawkeyes, Wolverines, and Buckeyes are fighting for Capital One prizes. Does anybody want to question Lloyd Carr? First off, he's ruining the ND/Michigan rivalry by his team's heartless play in the last 3 of 4 contests. Second off, schedule gods are giving him a chance to redeem himself this weekend and spoil Joe Paterno's last dash at a Big Ten crown. Chad Henne get lost, Avant and Breaston don't hold a prayer to Braylon Edwards and your play has drawn comparisons to Pat Dillingham (see Google for more information). Badgers/Gophers- Two teams nobody though too much of come August are battling it out in Minneapolis for the chance to be the second in Big Ten command (Note: Michigan State is still in the race too, but gets less credit for not beating Lloyd's boys). Breakdown: Great weekend for the Big Ten conference. Five Top-25 teams this week and people are still talking about the SEC. Why the SEC? Urban Meyer? All I have to say is that Notre Dame lucked out by him saying no because his trickery would have ND alumni crying for Ty back right now.
-Red Sox: I just can't believe they clapped for Tony Graffanino. Big Papi, where were you this weekend? Ozzie Guillen, genious moving changing your defensive alignment it almost locked up A-Rod's MVP campaign.
-USC-Arizona had us holding our breath again? Is Jeff Smarzidja and Co. the final stand? USC's shaky starts have ND seeing light at the end of the tunnel and Charlie Weis looking at the No. 1 Recruiting Class.
-Sid "the Next One"-5 pts. in 3 games. Not bad for someone who six months ago couldn't by chewing tobacco.

Special welcome to the newest members of our team, the Arnold Brothers.
-JL

USC/ND Preview Offense

Edge: USC
Charlie Weis might just be Peter Pan in terms of Offensive genious but that isn't enough to give the Irish even a slight edge over the Trojans. USC has two Heisman candidates in the same backfield, a second running back that could be a Heisman candidate had he chosen a different school, and the most dynamic receiving corps in the entire nation.
By the numbers:
USC- 54 ppg/619.5 ypg ND-37 ppg/504.2 ypg
Offensive Ranks-
USC (R/P/T/PPG)-1/6/3/2
ND (R/P/T/PPG)-9/11/39/20
(Has the numbers ever looked so good for these two?)
Quarterback: USC- Brady Quinn's numbers have been sick, but I will take the reigning Heisman winner everyday and twice Sunday when comparing him to Brady Quinn. Despite the sick numbers, I am still speculative when saying Brady Quinn is not just a product of the system. Leinart is a true leader who has flourished when USC has been in trouble this season (Oregon, ASU) and has been reluctant to hand the USC offensive circus over to his two RB's when facing pass-oriented defensive schemes.
Running Back: USC- The top two Trojans backs (Bush and White) are averaging 7.5+ yards per carry. The Irish top and only back, Darius Walker, is averaging a hair over 4.5 ypc and has yet to show a single sing of explosiveness. Chances are better to see Reggie Bush back-flip into Touchdown Jesus than to see Walker go step-for-step with two of the nation's best. The best thing Darius Walker can do is maintain that 4.5 ypc average to help keep the Trojan horses off the field. SR FB Rashon Powers-Neal has been brilliant despite limited opportunities and it will be interesting to see if he can be the "spike in the punch bowl" and deliver some key plays for Weis' Irish.
Wide Receiver: USC- ND's receivers have done well against tough defenses during the 2005 campaign. SO Jeff Samardzija is chasing some age-old Irish receiving records and SR Maurice Stovall appears at time to have gotten out of the coma that was his sophomore and junior campaigns. But is that enough? Simply put, no. Even if Rhema McKnight returns, the Irish just don't have the elusiveness that the USC recievers possess. Steve Smith, Dwayne Jarrett and Co. have been even more effective than the ND duo, and in limited action. Dominique Byrd is everything that Anthony Fasano is not, despite public affection for Fasano. Fasano is a Mark Bavaro type, which will defineatly help him earn a living someday somewhere, but Byrd is more of the playmaker that can make a TE change the game. His numbers are subpar, but look for his influence to be a key factor. The Irish defensive secondary has been far from dominant, personally granting MSU QB Drew Stanton his own place in the Heisman race and by allowing an average of over 300+ passing yards per contest. ND has allowed more than 20+ points 3 times. USC is 45-5-0 when scoring 20 or more since 2001.
Offensive Line: Even- I wont get into depth. ND returns 4 starters and have allowed 11 sacks as a unit. JR Ryan Harris leads the unit, but is no match for USC RT Winston Justice. The three-year starter leads the unit after a year layoff following a pellet-gun incident. The USC O-Line has allowed 5 sacks in 2005.
Miscellanous: ND, I am standing firm that Charlie Weis' adjustments will always be a step ahead of Lane Kiffen. Weis has proven himself in the toughest of circumstances (Super Bowl, AFC Playoffs, Michigan in Week 2), where Kiffen has proven himself as a capable replacement to Norm Chow. However, Kiffen's game plan in the desert left his quarterback banged up and seeing stars for most of the second half. On a lighter note, Kiffen always has a second option knowing LenDale White and Reggie Bush's ability to move the chains. It will be interesting to see what Charlie Weis can do with a bye week to work with. Arizona State finally found some areas to exploit the USC defense, as it was evident during the second quarter Saturday when ASU QB Sam Keller looked more like Leinart than Leinart himself. But maybe that is the scary thing for ND knowing that USC beating themselves might be the only chance they have to play four quarters with the Trojans.
Prediction: Notre Dame needs to have its best offensive game in order to trade punches with the Trojans. The Trojans lack nothing on offense, as evident in wins dominant wins over Oregon, Arkansas, and Hawaii. The Irish are far more superior than those three ball clubs but have yet to prove themselves defensively. It will be interesting to see how Brady Quinn reacts to the pressure that is playing USC, once again he will find himself in the spotlight. But this time it is much bigger, having to trade punches with the reigning Heisman champ and his arsenal that includes a few possible future Heisman candidates. ND has home-field advantage, but even Touchdown Jesus can't even stop the heresy that is the USC offense. Don't count the Irish out, their numbers are pretty but it is tough to compare them to the champs on paper. They have faced three challenging defenses en route to a 4-1 start. Weis must find a way to work his magic again despite tough circumstances for the Irish to be able to fight to the finish. But God, Country, Good Luck Notre Dame.

Smoke from a Distant Fire-ND/USC Prelude to a Preview

What this game couldn’t have been viewed at had Notre Dame Athletic Director Kevin White not abruptly ousted head coach Tyrone Willingham is having BCS implications. The Irish are not only the BCS team on paper they have been in the past, but new HC Charlie Weis has them playing like a BCS team on the field. The numbers don’t lie (i.e. Brady Quinn’s 2005 13/3/156.35 marks), the 2005 Irish campaign has thus far looked like the opening scene of a BCS novel. But USC is a road block, Tennessee is as well, but it’s the Jeweled Shillelagh that ND faithful have been talking about since Weis’ arrival in South Bend.
USC has been as expected, explosive. Like a Danielle Steele novel, there has been drama, passion and deception filled with large doses of prowess and destruction (note I’m not talking about sexual anecdotes). Matt Leinart, Reggie Bush and Lendale White are not exactly names that Tom Zbikowski and Mike Richardson like to go to bed thinking about. But those names along with the rest of the USC offensive arsenal are a tall task that Zbikowski, Richardson and the Irish Defensive Company will have to diminish if ND is going to keep skipping down the Golden Road that has BCS implications. While this game might mean the difference to many of the Irish being 5-1 or 4-2, a win could help define the beginning of the Weis era in South Bend and the legendary Carroll/Weis battles of the future.
Join the Sports Reporters as we take an inside-the-lines look at the Shillelagh battle that is on the horizon in South Bend.

Upcoming

Friday- ND/USC, Inside the Lines. Why not to count Charlie and Co. Out? by J. Long
Saturday- Baseball Postseason Shame- Recapping the Postseason that could have been. by J. Long

Note: To W. Thomas McCall, have Pat prompt you on the board rules before you post anything or your membership is terminated.

Sports Reporters T-Shirts Coming Soon....Stay posted.